Miscarriage at 10 weeks - The truth

I don't think you ever think about the possibility of miscarriage when you discover you are pregnant, well I didn't. I have 4 children and had 4 successful pregnancies, so when I discovered I was pregnant on Boxing Day 2018 I just presumed by September I would have a little baby in my arms. 

I was using a tracking app to track my cycle and a Christmas night out resulted in this pregnancy. Our Christmas night out fell on my most fertile day and too many Jagerbombs later I was pregnant. Strangely I didn't feel pregnant, but all day on Boxing day I didn't feel myself and decided to take a test. I was shocked to see 2 lines, although I knew it was a strong possibility. 

As soon as I found out the symptoms started I was so nauseous all the time, tired and irritable. It was just after the children went back to school in the new year I woke up to a little bleed. I didn't think anything of it as I had bled a few times with Mr.C, plus it wasn't a lot of blood. Once the kiddies were in school I rang my midwife, I hadn't had my booking in appointment yet so she told me to go via accident and emergency and ask for the early pregnancy unit to come and see me. 

I was sent upstairs as soon as I arrived, blood is taken, speculum exam is given and no signs of bleeding could be seen. I waited a few hours for blood results and they said my HCG was quite low for how pregnant I was. They couldn't scan me as they had no one in to do it. They booked me for 2 later and told me to come with a full bladder.

I noticed in the 2 days wait my symptoms seemed to be dying down so had already resigned myself to the fact the pregnancy wasn't going to continue, my friends and family urged me to look on the bright side, but I think I knew then. I went back for my scan and I was 8 weeks and 2 days. They couldn't pick anything up on the scan, so opted to do an internal scan. They found a sack but told me it was only measuring 4 weeks 2 day, they suggested I wasn't as pregnant as I thought and that I should come back in 2 weeks for another scan to see if the sack had developed. I knew instantly this wasn't the case, the sack couldn't only measure 4 weeks as it was more than 4 weeks since I discovered I was pregnant and I knew exactly what date I conceived on. They reassured me, gave me the scan report and sent me back to the early pregnancy unit. They wrote on my scan report 'blighted ovum' so I, of course, googled this on the walk back. blighted ovum (also known as an anembryonic pregnancy) is a type of very early miscarriage when a fertilized egg never develops into an embryo. Because it happens so early on in a pregnancy — within just a few weeks of ovulation and fertilization. They still sent me away with an appointment in 2 weeks for a rescan to check my progress. 

In the 2 weeks, my symptoms were none existent, I was having lots of cramping, but no bleeding. I was due to be scanned on Tuesday, but on Friday I noticed I was spotting on and off but had no pain. On Saturday I was out shopping with my friend when I started to get really bad stomach cramps. They felt like contractions, they stopped me in my tracks and I had to grip the shopping trolley to steady myself. The pains came in waves on and off for a few hours. The spotting I had experienced the day before was now full-on bleeding. I was in quite a lot of discomfort, I wasn't prepared for the amount of blood I would lose. Just like when I was in labour I decided to be in my feet was the best distraction from the pain. I was stood at my friends front door and felt something come away from me. I was wearing a pad, so went inside to check myself, nothing could prepare me for what I saw. I lost a clot the size of a golf ball and after that came away the bleeding really ramped up. I ended up using one of Miss S's specialist nappies as maternity pads weren't even absorbing the blood.

I was feeling really weak and ended up having a laydown, I woke up an hour later and was still bleeding really heavily. I said it early but I was not mentally prepared for the amount of blood I would lose. When you see things on tv and they show a lady in the bath, and its tinged with blood, that was not how it was for me. I was stood in the shower literally pouring with blood. I had to take the shower drain out at one point as it was getting blocked with the clots coming away. Dave and my friend suggested I go to the hospital as I was bleeding really heavily and it didn't seem to be stopping and I felt awful. My lovely friend Becky came with me and shes is just the person you need for company when you're in a shitty situation. Even feeling at my lowest she could still crack a joke and make me smile, she won't ever know how much it meant her coming with me that night. 

I was seen relatively quickly through accident and emergency and they insisted on giving me a private room straight away and someone from gynae came down within 30 minutes. The lovely nurse who dealt with me had gone through similar a few months earlier, at a similar stage of pregnancy. It's not just the egg, sack or foetus that is expelled, but all the lining of your womb that built up to protect the baby over the weeks and months since your last period. 

By the time I was seen the bleeding had really slowed down, the doctor examined me and said it looked like the neck of my womb was closed, so she thought the worst of it was over. She was lovely and really reassuring that I hadn't wasted time coming in. I was due for a scan 2 days later, I was given the option of going for that or just doing a pregnancy test 2 weeks later. I went for the latter, I don't think I could have faced the scan and seeing my empty womb on screen. 

My recovery from the miscarriage took longer than I anticipated. I was physically wiped put for around 2 weeks, I was tired, probably anaemic, but refused to go the see the doctor. I bled for almost 3 weeks after. Emotionally it took me a few months of telling myself I am extremely lucky, I have 4 wonderful children, some people can't have just 1 and I have 4. But it all seemed so unfair, it was during this time I totally deleted Raising The Rainbows, my facebook page and my entire youtube channel. It's taken me 10 months all together to be able to talk about it. 

I truly can't believe 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. However, talking about miscarriage is still considered so taboo. It happens, it's truly horrific but I believe there isn't enough info out there about what will happen to you and your body when it does happen. Go and google pregnancy and you will find a wealth of information, google what happens when I miscarry and you'll find significantly less. Surely we need more support when we miscarry, it's still a loss, it's like a death, it was still your baby no matter whether you were 4 weeks or 10 weeks. We still grieve what they would have been, could have been, all the hopes and dreams you had, they are gone and you are left to cope with that. Its life-changing stuff, I believe now its made me a stronger person, but it's taken time to get here. This may be a hard read, I apologize if this post has triggered anyone, but I believe its a necessary post. If just one person reads this and finds comfort or answers they are looking for then that's the point of this post.
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